Before you jump to conclusions and think that i'm just another one of those annoying skinny people who thinks she's fat, let me explain. Yes, i gained weight but more than that, the honesty in this post comes from a place much deeper than just weight loss or weight gain. Let's start from the beginning.
In 2013, At the peak of my fitness and my career, i was down 4 jean sizes and making more money in a weekend than I ever did in a month in the corporate world. I was on top of my game and I felt on top of the world.
no excuses... ha!
In August of the same year, I felt I had plateaued and wanted a change in my diet and my routine. I'd been hearing a lot of buzz at that time about "reverse dieting" and knew a lot of friends who found success with it so i didn't hesitate to give it a shot. For those of you who are unfamiliar with reverse dieting, it's a method of steadily adding more calories back to your diet while still remaining around the same weight. Sounds magical right? You're supposed to keep up with your workout routine if not add more intensity but what happened with me is that..... life happened.
Excuse: I got too busy.
The truth was, i was busy trying to think and justify that i was busy. The truth was, I got too comfortable in my career. The truth was, I got lazy. My workouts started becoming less intense while the excuses started to become more intense.
Sure enough, the 300g of carbs I was ingesting per day started to catch up with me fast. Because of the weight gain, I got in to the mindset of "well, i'm gaining weight anyway, what's another whole pizza going to do" *nom nom nom* At the peak of my weight gain, i was heavier than when I started my journey back in 2012. The instagram posting slowed down, the before and after shots became non-existent, and blogging became a thing of the past. I was ashamed.
I welcomed 2014 as a fresh start but it was not the fresh start i was expecting.
In all honesty, 2014 has been the darkest year of my life.
The weight gain took a shot at my confidence and while I had hit rock bottom weight wise, I was hitting an even deeper rock bottom emotionally and mentally. Remember all the success I spoke about with my career in 2013? It was the complete opposite in 2014. The things I expected and assumed would happen, did not happen. The goals I set out to hit? I missed. This resulted in changes on the inside. It was when my husband said one line that I knew.... something serious was going on with me. He said "you're not yourself anymore."
I did not want to go out. I did not want to socialize. I did not want to catch up with old friends because what would they think of me? I thought and saw myself as a big. fat. failure. Those thoughts really got engraved in my heart and my mind because I started to believe it and I started to live it. And when you start to think it, live it and believe it, it starts to manifest itself in other areas of your life. First i injured my thumb and felt helpless. Then i injured my knee. Then, at the peak of rock bottom, I got into a car accident. My car was totalled. Now both my knees and my lower back feel constant pain and discomfort. I was so angry at God and blamed him for why everything wrong in my life was happening all in the same year.
Days would pass where I didn't leave the house. I found myself breaking down and crying while doing simple things like washing the dishes.... if I even got to the dishes because I preferred to just stay curled up in a ball on the couch and think about how much I had failed in life. Much of my weekend would be spent trying to make my eyes look less puffy from all the crying I had done all week so that I could pretend I was happy and ok in front of every one else. I was depressed. And I was in denial about being depressed. And I was embarrassed about being depressed. I come from a happy family and a supportive circle of friends, i'm not supposed to be depressed! But i was and it was getting harder and harder to mask.
"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem..."
The start of my healing began when I decided to open up about my situation to one of the people i consider a mentor... My dad. On this night, with my tear and snot stained t-shirt on, I knocked on my parents door and with 5 words, i fell apart. "Pa, i think i'm depressed."
After talking things through, I came to understand that failure happens but failure is not WHO i am. I guess that's why i struggled so much because I thought my weight gain defined me, what other people thought of me defined me, my career success and failure defined me.
Today, i still have bad days, i'm still struggling and i've only just recently started to get serious about working out again. But it feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders to finally stop hiding and just be able to admit that hey guys, i fell down and i fell down HARD but i'm picking myself up again. They say it's not your obstacles that define you but how you deal with those obstacles.
I'm not sure what you believe but I believe that God rocks your world in a crazy way to get rid of the old and make way for the new. This year has been a year of major change, lots of learning, and lots of growth. Just as gold goes through fire to get rid of the junk, perhaps this year was my year of getting rid of the junk in life. Pride, anger, jealousy. I'm not going to wait for another new year for a fresh start, i'm starting now.
If you are going through or have gone through similar situations or thoughts, talk to someone about it. Most of all, don't let the negative situations in your life define you. CHOOSE to see the negative as an opportunity that can be turned into something positive. It's not over yet.